Laura De Rosa For every negative interaction, a happy couple has at least five positive interactions. This is the real secret to a healthy, balanced and lasting relationship. Word of psychologists John M. Gottman and Robert W. Levenson
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Psychologists John M. Gottman and Robert W. Levenson, who have dedicated their lives to studying relationships, propose a simple yet effective rule to gauge the health of your partnership: the 5:1 ratio. According to this rule, if every criticism is offset by at least five positive interactions, the relationship is likely to succeed.
The key to a happy and lasting relationship
After years of studying numerous couples, Gottman and Levenson found that the secret to a long-lasting, happy relationship is maintaining a balance between positive and negative interactions, with the former overwhelmingly outnumbering the latter. With this formula, they could predict with 90% accuracy which couples would stay together and which would break up.
When the positive-to-negative ratio during conflicts drops to 1:1 or below, the risk of separation is much higher. But what exactly do the psychologists mean by “negative interactions”? They mean anger—particularly defensive anger—along with criticism and contempt.
Why 5:1?
Negative interactions are emotionally charged, which is why at least five positive interactions are needed to counteract the effect of one negative moment. The balance is critical for a resilient and successful relationship.
Positive interactions that strengthen relationships
The following, according to the Gottman Institute, are the significant kinds of positive interactions:
- Showing interest: When your partner complains about something, ask questions to understand what’s bothering them.
- Affectionate expressions: Everyday gestures-a goodbye kiss, holding hands-reduce stress even as couples are driving home from a fight.
- Doing little things over time: Repeated small acts build up a “buffer of positivity” that can make disagreeing less stressful.
- Focusing on positives: Try to focus on your partner’s strengths, not their weaknesses. It not only encourages positive energy but also influences the way you behave toward them. Even better, put these thoughts into words through compliments, no matter how tiny they may be.
- Common points during arguments: Show your partner that you understand them and that you are on the same page by finding common ground.
- Empathy building: Show that you understand your partner’s emotions and perspectives. Say “I’m sorry” where needed.
- Their point of view: Let them have their opinion, even when different from yours.
- Humor: Light jokes and laughter will lighten up the mood in moments of tension.
With these actions in mind, couples can build a good base for their relationship to successfully handle whatever problems may come along.
Source: Gottman
