Ilaria Rosella Pagliaro Without realizing it, we use words that hide insecurities and fears in the relationship: here are the most common phrases that can undermine the couple and how to change them to build a stronger and more authentic bond
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There are certain words that simply drop from our lips before our minds have even had time to sanction. We say them mindlessly, maybe thoughtlessly, but if only we stopped to listen to ourselves, we’d realize that they matter. A weight that typically betrays something else: a fear of insufficiency, an addiction to confirmation, a terror at being left behind, as a single sock on the bottom of a dresser.
Insecurity is a sneaky monster. It doesn’t come with a neon sign that blinks “Hey, I’m here, you’re killing your relationship,” but it creeps into our discussions, disguised in inflections of voice, silences, and sighs. The more we invite it in, the more space it takes up. And so, from a small innocent doubt, we find ourselves building towers of paranoia on unstable foundations.
Words that hurt a relationship: the phrases to avoid
And certainly, there’s nothing wrong with being insecure: we’re human, not machines. The trouble is when, rather than dealing with our insecurities, we start stewing them in our heads, flavouring them with paranoia and impossible expectations. But the good news is that we can learn how to identify and deal with them. Not to turn suddenly as obnoxious as a narcissist admiring themselves in the mirror, but to end self-sabotaging habits and make our relationship a healthier environment to live. Here is a little emotional survival guide: the most common phrases that betray insecurity in a relationship – and how to phrase them before they become a problem.
“Do you really love me?” and the need for validation
A classic. One of those clichs that inevitably slips out once in a lifetime, but if done as a routine drill, might be more repellent than a seashore jingle. Naturally, we do need to feel loved occasionally, but if we nag for it repeatedly, we bring our other half under surveillance. The catch? Having them feel like to document their love by producing a stamped and signed affidavit on a daily basis.
Alternative? Instead of asking “Do you truly love me?“, have a look at gestures, attentions, and the small day-to-day signs. And, most importantly, look after your self-esteem, because no reply from your partner will ever make up for an emptiness that only you can fill.
Comparing yourself to others: a one-way ticket to insecurity
“How good was your former partner compared to me?” “Is that girl prettier to you?” “Am I more handsome than he?” Here’s one sure-fire way to break the mood within a relationship. Comparing one self to other people is an unsafe trap as it always starts on the incorrect assumption: thinking that our self-worth does depend on some external measuring tool.
Spoiler: it doesn’t.
We are all unique, and if our partner is with us, it is because they wanted to be. If we are finding ourselves unable to stop speculating about these things, then perhaps it is time to get sorted out first before getting sorted out in the relationship.
Fear of abandonment (and the art of self-sabotage)
Some sentences are said in a relaxed manner but are really emotional boomerangs. “One day you’ll leave me,” “I know you’ll find someone better,” “I don’t understand why you’re with me.” Not only do these sentences convey insecurity, but they also make the partner feel self-conscious, nearly needing to reassure us all the time.
The problem? If your partner has to keep convincing you of their love, sooner or later they’ll be drained. And then our worst nightmare (being left) may turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s simpler to stop playing Cassandra and have a little more faith.
“Sorry to bother you” and the weight of fear
If you find yourself constantly uttering, “Sorry to intrude,” “I hope I’m not intruding,” “Are you sure I’m not overwhelming you?“, it’s time to take a deep breath and ask yourself: “Why do I feel the need to apologize?”
In a healthy relationship, no one should ever feel like they’re too much. If we’re feeling like we need to ask permission in order to be, perhaps it’s because we’ve put other people’s needs first for too long.
One small exercise: the next time you’re about to utter, “Sorry to bother you,” try instead saying, “I need to talk to you.” You’ll notice how much your own sense of self (and your partner’s) changes.
How to turn insecurity into strength
Insecurity isn’t a flaw, it’s a compass. It points us toward parts of ourselves that need work to feel better. The problem isn’t feeling it, but allowing it to take the wheel of our romantic life.
Here are some small strategies to prevent insecurities from turning into emotional landmines:
- Learn to self-validate. If you need constant reassurance, perhaps it is because you don’t sufficiently value yourself.
- Don’t compare yourself to others. The only person you should be competing with is your past self.
- Understand that love is not an eternal contract. No one can guarantee it will last forever, but that doesn’t mean you should live every day in fear of losing it.
- Ask for what you need without worrying about being a burden. Love is a sphere of sharing and not a battle where you need to earn each second of attention.
And most importantly: relax. It’s not a test. If you’re with someone, it’s because the two of you chose each other. After you become more comfortable feeling safer, your relationship will too. Repairing yourself is the greatest gift you can give to your relationship, because only someone who feels good about him or herself can construct truly healthy love.
